taking a drink

During a lunch date the other day at a coffee shop, I ordered a iced coffee drink without fully appreciating the ingredients listed on the menu. It was called the Cafe Borgia, and it had orange and creme de cacao along with espresso, etc...

I sipped from the straw in a thirsty fashion, and it wasn't until the liquid had begun to travel down my throat did I register the alcohol contained in it. It caused an almost simultaneous feeling of warmth that spread down my gullet, as well as a queasy sensation in my stomach.

I didn't drink anymore of the beverage. I did remove the taste with other drinks and food as quickly as I could. I didn't freak out or ruin the rest of my day, nor did I obsess about it. The lunch proceeded, and it was good food, and the warmth and uneasiness eventually subsided. All of this took place around 1:30 in the afternoon.

As I was driving towards the grocery store around 8 that evening, the warmth came over me intensely, a warmth that spread from my throat all the way into my guts. The warmth that used to come from taking a drink of liquor. It was a shock, and more than a little unnerved, I made a beeline for my sponsor at his work.

I told him about it, and we talked, and of course there was nothing for him to tell me. The telling was all on me. I had to share it. I was reminded of the story of a close friend-she had an experience with an accidental drink of alcohol in the first couple years of her sobriety...but she never told anyone about it. She even declined to mention it when she knew she should have, when the group asked her-almost directly-if she had something to share. Her recollection of that event and the following guilt rushed me to my own admission.

I wasn't trying to drink. I didn't continue to drink. It sickened me. It scared me. Even more importantly, it reminded me-of how much I do NOT want to take a drink today. Of all the unpleasant feelings that come along with that old friend, alcohol. Today, thanks to hundreds of others who have gone before me, I am so glad to be able to say that I am sober-and happy without drinking.

Passing it on

We have begun a second chance at life.

Were I to be a unflinchingly honest, I would have to say it is more like my 50th chance at life...but who's counting? I am learning to forgive myself, and all along my journey others seems to be doing the same-for themselves and for me.

I am supposed to share with others-my experience, strength and hope. I am supposed to talk to them as equals, never from a spiritual hill-top, never talking down to them.

I have to be so loving, so free from judgment, so accepting of them as they are. Just as one alcoholic can hear the understanding in the voice of another-so too can they sense the unspoken scorn for their perceived failings and short-comings. I know that I can-nothing smarts as much to my pride as someone speaking words with their mouth, while I can sense disapproval in their attitude. It is a sure-fire way to lose the very person I mean to assist when I fail to bring true love into the equation.

Sometimes it is easy to feel the love for another human-but sometimes, I have to forcefully invite God into my discussion and repeatedly ask for love for my fellow. It doesn't mean i am bad or evil, it just means that I too, need help. And it leads me to wonder how much more loving I could have been in the other situations if I always took time to invite God into my sharing.

It works-it really does.

May 13th

Twenty-four Hours A Day...

Meditation for the Day

Try never to judge. The human mind is so delicate and so complex that only its Maker can know it wholly. Each mind is so different, actuated by such different motives, controlled by such different circumstances, influenced by such different sufferings, you cannot know all the influences that have gone to make up a personality. Therefore, it is impossible for you to wholly judge that personality. But God knows that person wholly and He can change it. Leave to God the unravelleing of the puzzles of personality. And leave it to God to teach you the proper understanding.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may not judge other people. I pray that I may be certain that God can set right what is wrong in every personality.

Closed Book Study

My new sponsor and I agreed that we should start over at the beginning of the big book. The group had kept reading right past the first 164 pages, and when I first attended the meeting, they were finishing the first section of personal stories. I remember wondering why big book studies didn't continue into the stories at some point in my time in the rooms, and now I think I understand a little better. It involves reading a whole lot of differing opinion and conjecture about the program, and we have enough of that in the individual member's interpretation of the clear-cut instructions the book gives. So after leading it the first week, and reading one more of the stories, I proposed to my new sponsor, J___, that we start over. He agreed, saying that he was thinking the same thing.

So tonight we started with the preface, and it was just J___ and I. We were soon joined by another, and then eventually two more came in. Mostly it was J___ and I reading, although one of the other members read for a little while. We talked back and forth-J___ & I-sharing our experience, in the same general format as a Joe & Charlie book study. The difference is that I know my knowledge is very limited-I'm no Charlie! But we read through the forwards to all the four editions, and our sharing on that took up the meeting.

It is always a wonderful experience to read a book that has a special place for me with others. Starting the big book over again is exciting, because I know I will find new and enlightening messages contained within its text. Simply going over AA's history and the growth of its numbers from 1935 until the forward to the fourth edition as written in 2001...from two men, to 100 men and women, to 150,000 20 years later, to 1 million 20 years later, to 2 million 25 years after that...worldwide fellowship.

And it all starts when one alcoholic tries to help another alcoholic by sharing their experience, strength and hope.